Monday, June 27, 2011

Gone


I lost the baby.

The almost eight hours in the E.R. seemed interminable until I found out, but really, it’s nothing when you consider what was undone when I finally left. 

Seven weeks of dreaming about the baby because even when I was asleep, he or she was on my mind. Seven weeks of telling him or her to hang in there with my hand on my tummy. Eleven weeks with this child nestled in my belly. Or the seven years now MJ and I have talked about someday, when we’re ready, when we have a baby.

The midwife who came in after the ultrasound told me, “You’re only twenty-seven. You’re young, you’re healthy, there’s no reason you can’t be pregnant again in a few months.”

Maybe in a few months, that’ll seem like something worth saying.

Right now, I want my January baby.

My walked-in-commencement-with-me baby.

My we’re-not-ready-but-we’re-ready baby.

My calling from the top of the stairs, “Um, babe” with an edge of panic in my voice and a pregnancy test in my hand baby.

I want that baby.

9 comments:

erica and christy said...

I know from experience that there's nothing we can say to make this hurt go away right now. Hugs to you and hang in there. You can't (and shouldn't) forget, but you can eventually feel better.
erica

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry.....a million hugs for you. I don't know from experience, but I have stood by two friends who have been through it....

Lynn Colt said...

So, so sorry, Guin. I can't imagine how awful this time must be. Hugs and I'm thinking of you.

Old Kitty said...

Oh no. Oh Guinevere. I am so so sorry. I'm truly sorry.

Please take care xx

Rebecca Wells said...

I am so very sorry to hear this. Please take care of yourself. I'm sending you hugs.

hannahrose_8 said...

I'm sorry and I understand the pain you're feeling. I lost my first baby after nine years of trying and I was devastated. It felt like such a slap in the face from God Himself, but I knew better than to truly despise Him. He has His reasons.

I now have two beautiful children and one on the way.

Praying for your blessings.

Jen

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Abby Minard said...

Oh I'm so sorry. Hang in there, my thoughts are with you. Sending you hugs and good vibes your way.

Ellen Brickley said...

Guinevere, I go away from your blog for a little while and I come back to find you've suffered two such losses. I'm really sorry.

I have no doubt you and MJ will find strength through each other and get through this, but I feel for you both.

Take care and much love from Ireland.